after reading bob's writing for today, i realize many of us have online diaries by now; the reasons are of course various; some, only cause it's the only way to comment on other ppl's online diaries... most of my friends are like that... maybe cause all your friends are doing it... there's a lot more youth doing xanga, and not blogger, because all their friends are online and have a site for themselves... maybe you're hoping someone out there will pick up the stuff you have put in, and with a grain of salt, come away enlightened... some dedicate their stuff to other things(like the american soldier)... and of course, the list goes on and on...

why do i write in an online journal, much less a public one, so that everyone can see my stuff? i dunno; i'm fairly honest about what i write down(although i will admit there's some things that go on in the back of my head that i never put down, out of fear of other ppl, such as girl fettishes, and the like), but i wasn't looking for fame(in fact, many of my friends never read my entries, because even though i throw out what i consider to be deep thoughts, they're extremely long; i got a taste of my own medicine when i tried to read mandy's xanga site when she was still into that... nothing but words without breaking topics with the return key, not to mention it was written in the atypical teenage girl talk(ie heehee, oh yeah, and the like)... in the beginning, my place was just another place i wanted so that i could put down my thoughts; adding thoughts to your own webpage if it isn't in a journal format is a lot more tedious... also, because the space given you on a journal is indefinite, it's a much better place for throwing your thoughts online than on an AIM profile, where you get a limit(and all you have to do is add a link to your profile)...

but really, why have i kept it up for such a long time, and often, i end up writing longer and more frequently than anyone i know who has a diary? a lot of my friends have quit their sites after a while... only the young adults i know have kept this up... i guess... it's not the fame; many ppl don't even READ my site... so i could write about raping ppl and blowing black people's heads off with a shotgun, and only a select few would even bother to tell me about my faults... the reason is that it's more for myself. you'd be surprised just how treasuring it can be to one day go back and read what you wrote and rethink about everything... the diary is in aspects the loner's best friend because when you've got no girl to pour out every single thought to, you can always turn to this. and that's why i write here; for my own benefit. it's tough to sift through what you wrote when you come back, but you'll know everything was in here. from iverson, to tekken 3, to sanctus real, to the effects pedals you wanna get, to jeremiah's struggles against what he wanted and what God wanted, to just trying to stay alive in davis, it's all here, and if you wanna read it, go ahead; if you don't, i'll be fine with that.

never stop the online journal.

(on a sidenote, i will be home for the weekends; is the superbowl coming up this 3-day weekend?)

contemp christian music thoughts:

12 stones is coming out w/stuff again summer... can't wait... although, waiting might lower the price a bit... indeed, 12 stones is interesting to analyze... yes, all the band members(except maybe the drummer, cause when i looked in the cd's jacket for thanks, only the drummer didn't give god/jesus the praise, although he did mention to remember the golden rule) are christians, and paul mccoy writes lyrics that definitely show a relationship between himself and god, but onstage, they are a bit interesting to analyze; one of paul's quotes paraphrased is that he and his band members are christians, but they're aware that their audiences may have different beliefs and such, so they just wanna present something positive for their audiences to fall back upon... which i think is good; to be honest, this makes them seem to have the P.O.D. attitude, where you know who you are, but try to reach as many as possible(by being slightly hidden about beliefs, so many ppl don't get turned off), so that if they find out your beliefs, they'll be like "oh wow, i never knew; maybe there's more to this than i thought"; they've played with their share of secular bands(mainly from the same company that they're attached to; wind-up, which is why they've toured with creed, and paul's helped evanescence, another wind-up product), but it has mainly been with secular bands. although, this year on See Spot Rock(christian rock tour), they're touring with other christian groups, such as Pillar, which is tight... too bad the tour doesn't visit norcal as far as i can remember.

speaking of Pillar... i'm thinking of getting their cd; i like the songs that are displayed; maybe i'm listening to a different version of their songs, but the ones on their website have the drums a bit more "realistic-sounding," compared to the stuff i dl'd off of .mp3 a while ago... i'm starting to get back into the rock+hip-hop-hybrid genre all over again, which also is influencing my thoughts on my songs... although christian rock+hip-hop is mainly heavy rock+rapping, not like linkin park... if i could just find a good synthesizer software and learn how to work it well, then i could crank out some good stuff...

i should've waited til winter break to get sanctus real's cd; they have a limited edition version which includes 5 free extra songs... but what i really wanted was their remake of u2's beautiful day song, which is currently not being sold yet...

i'll end tonight by saying i finally got around to dl'ing Neurotic's music off of his iuma site(remember the person who i said was similar to me?), and to be honest, i was turned off; 1st song sounded like a slow Nirvana song, and the 2nd one was some trance beat... ugh...(i'll say right now i don't like dance/trance music; too spazzy in general; do i need to smoke some crack before i listen to feel it?) i'll give him credit on editing though, cause his guitar sounded a bit more like the cd chorus pedal stuff, but i realize that my shortcomings with the vocals and guitar has more to do with my sound card than my actual skills(i think)... or the software... well, when you stick out the words, be sure to back it up; we'll have to see how my next song does...

after reading the required novel of "naomi" by tanizaki makes me think girls in relationships are evil... seriously... it's a good book, but at the end you also have to say the husband joji is too much in love with her to think straight... and that the wife is just hooking and baiting him at her will... and perhaps that is the point of the book(love doesn't cause you to think right), but the themes of westernization may be woven throughout the book; westernization leads to culture clashes, and dropping and picking up of values; y'kno, modern society can sometimes truly suck...

everything is a lesson in life... study hard... cause school's in session...

man, chiefs lost... which is sad... considering how much i love dante hall... he's ran 4 punt returns for a TD during the regular season, tying the record... he ran a 92-yrder during today against the colts(and gave the crowd and kc defense a real boost in moral when he did it, bringing the game within 7 again)... but no defense by either team, and came down to it, chiefs lost by a td+extra pt. ah well, maybe next year. go x-factor!

btw, stumbled across this; strange how ever since i've come across the jehovah's witnesses once, i've been interested in finding counter points so that i know that i'm worshipping the true God:
The Wrong Train

and indeed, i find this article to be quite true; for instance, the point that the witnesses find scripture to back up their beliefs, not to discover truth; i remember reading a point how only 144,000 ppl will get into heaven, but nelson pointed out how just the next verse it points out a large multitude of believers in heaven worshipping God.

also, when i came across the part which said they study off their articles, the watchtower, instead of the bible, and when they do, use their own, i had to agree, but also reflected on myself; where have I been getting my spiritual food from? a sermon? someone else's mouth? ok, a pastor, but still... if i want to grow, to become a better christian, it starts from that book.

it's like praying, and coming to God; today's lesson was from Genesis 32:24-32; when Jacob wrestled with God, God touched his socket, and Jacob refused to let go until he was blessed; God was testing Jacob. like Jacob, we need to pray and come to God, to have passionate prayer, focused prayer, and persistent prayer. only after doing so does God give us what we need in his name.