my above-average iq is both the greatest blessing and curse i have... like treasure in an earthen vessel, it's not always used properly; sometimes the form of the vessel taints the beauty of the treasure.

if i use it to study the truth, and to keep searching for it, i sincerely believe that there will be things that i come across and come to believe, that will put me at odds with everybody else (in part because other people don't spend the time to think about the truth in their free time). i already see that (like how i believe killing somebody even in self-defense is wrong, or that even if you kill somebody when God tells you to, that is sin), and if i were to open my mouth and express those beliefs a bit more vocally, it would put me even more at odds with everybody else. you see, the more time you spend thinking on why certain things are like they are in the world, the more you begin to peel apart the layers of perception that appear to be true, but just aren't. but there are going to be a lot of people who don't do that, and everytime you have to explain the end-all of what you believe, you have to go through a mountain of explanation to get to what you want to explain; along the way, they're probably not going to believe everything else you said and believed, making the conclusion moot.

so you inherently develop this sense of pride as you progress along and hone the ability to determine what is truth and what ie perception, because you simply know more than the average person, and courting the frustration built up from them not believing what you said (sometimes you just want to say, "just shuttup; i've done more thinking on this than you have, so just believe me," but you can't, you just can't). and that pride issue sucks, so you always have to keep it in check, which gets tougher and tougher the more you study and seek the truth. but you can't allow yourself to be humble either, if it means you have to be ignorant too; the Lord calls us to be humble yes, but he also calls us to "prove all things; hold fast that which is good," and Paul repeatedly told his readers to not be "ignorant".

so, like joe dumars trying to win a championship for the pistons now with the vets, but building for the future with young players, as a God-following "truth-seeker," you're trying to do the impossible; be a humble, yet knowledgeable person. i'm starting to think these two, though not exactly antonyns, might be polar opposites; you act humble because you realize your limitations. but when knowledgeable, your limitations have become smaller (on paper).

oh yeah; the other part of the equation; it doesn't help that i'm probably really emotional inside, on a frustrated/ angry-type level most of the time. so that compounds the process of explaining what i know to others. also, i'm really lazy sometimes. that doesn't help either. neither the fact that i'm shy too.