i let the moment seize me
and i'm tainted again
trying to remain on a road
which is lacking no end
it's making me sick
tossing in my bed;
and how often my knee bends
in order to make amends

the waves thrash in my mind
and then i'm thrown overboard
to place of deep suffering
why does this happen to me?
if i had not run from you
this would've never happened
and still i always go back to my old ways

i find it hard as hell being who i am
trying to claw my way out of a big, large dam
it's not easy to do as you say;
living the life you want me to live
the road IS narrow; i see it now
and yet all i do is fall off it... ow
at the end i can't tell
which of us two hurt more
but i know for the record that it's not the end

please save me; i'm sick and tired

technically i got a head start on my 12 hr fast... i woke up at 11:45, and the fast is from 7 AM to 7 PM, so... a little over 7 hrs left :)

"looking down from above as you watch TV... wondering why, oh you're ignoring me... do you remember, remember when I came to you... and you loved me... and I'm waiting for you... and I'm waiting for you... why do you run, why do you hide oh don't you know i just wanna be to be with you... to be with you...
find a place of solitude, and I'll speak to you... as you pray to me... don't you know I'm waiting here, waiting for you to
read and hear my words... I'm waiting here missing the time the times we shared oh, please come to me"

Kutless- Run

so keep that in mind when you want to connect w/God during a fasting...

work/dedication day... nuff said... gotta start... later...

while i won't actually be @the call this saturday due to a large amount of work looming in front of me, i still intend to dedicate that day to God... so if there's a rare chance anyone from CTCC is reading this before then... i won't be there physically, but i will be there in spirit... i will be praying and attempting to fast around the same period(if i think i am up to it) for that day... 7 AM to 7 PM... hmm... i wonder if the holy spirit's gonna come down upon every single person @3 COM park... i guess then i'll be missing out on God's holy spirit... but i know God is omnipresent... if he wanted to come down on me too location is no big deal... i'll just have to keep my expectations and attitudes tomorrow high...

g'luck louis on your SATs... i'll/have be praying/prayed for you...

haha... sometimes philosophy classes just don't make any sense at all... according to the way how an argument being "valid" or "invalid" is defined right now in my current bioethics class, you can make the argument that since bush is president of the US, 2+2=4... weird huh?

MSM retreat... next week... $20... should i go? it might jack up my entire work schedule... ie playing catchup for 2 days worth in 1 day is quite a bit...

poems... these are interesting... i seriously have seen the same poem on laura's profile a couple of times... it's like her signature poem :) pretty creative i have to admit...

haha... is this for real?

click here

Seventh Day Slumber - I Know
Kutless - Run

the SARS stuff sounds kinda freaky... why the asian countries? perhaps lack of hygeine... often that's breeding ground for nasty stuff to spurt... also, consider that it could've been tied to the chicken virus incident in china a couple of years ago... maybe it made the jump from chicken to human... imagine what might happen if 2 viruses, one harmless but contagious, the other noncontagious but deadly were contracted by the same person at the same time... they might end up sharing the same genes to make a supervirus...

the more i go about my life, the more i see events that open old wounds, reminding me of how badly i treated my dad... like the SARS stuff gave advice to avoid contraction by wearing a surgical mask... that sparked an old incident i had w/dad when i was sick... i was selfish... my dad was still on chemo i think, but i insisted he wear a surgical mask instead of me... the right thing would've been for me to wear it... *sigh*... the more i think of it the more i realize I am the reason my dad's where he is right now... makes me hate myself even more... i know i'll never be settled with myself until i get to meet him in person and ask him to forgive me... *sigh*... there's just so much in the past that i wish i could undo... so much pain... selfishness... but all i can do is hope to make the present right, since the past is placed behind me now...

jerm's here... prob for 1 24-hr period... haha... he has trouble getting onto our dorm beds... mike and norm were watching and cracking up... not to mention from watching his nipples live...

THIS is pretty cool;

it's a freeware software system that enables you to create your own drum beats and then save them as a .wav file... very useful for musicians and songwriters, hint hint :)

it takes a bit to get used to though; i'm still fooling around with it, but it sounds a lot better than that clunky drum machine i have at home :)

i had it on my desktop sitting pretty for a couple of months, it's just now that i decided to install it and see if it was worth keeping... it is :)

ok, so i see Evanescence's album on sale @some christian music website... uh... does that confirm that they're christian? that's pretty cool...

(wake me up)wake me up inside...
(i can't wake me up)wake me up inside...
(save me)call my name and save me from the dark...
(wake me up)bid my blood to run...
(i can't wake up)before i come undone...
(save me)save me from the nothing i've become...

(um, yeah, i think i feel like that ^)

i'm beginning to think, if you can blend hard rock w/choir singing and it sounds good... there's really no boundaries to what you want to blend with in music... just that the melody and harmony must flow together... it's pretty cool w/me, cause it's encouraging me to look beyond what i've been thinking about music in order to create pieces...

Evanescence is such a funky band... definitely creative... it's like a blend between hard rock and choir singing... it's definitely an avenue not many bands venture into... go to mp3.com and hear "Bring Me To Life" and you'll understand... ironically, Paul McCoy, vocalist for 12 Stones is the guest singer on that song... which was funny, cause i thought it was some black dude on it... well, he sounded Mike Shinoda-ish on it...

btw both Evanescence and 12 Stones come from Wind-Up Records... so does this mean Evanescence is possibly a Christian band? the only hint to that is that in evanescence's website they list how the vocalist and the guitarist met up at the youth camp... hmmm... so far, they haven't been getting playtime on air1.com though... they're still a fairly positive band... some lyrics from their "Bring Me To Life" song goes like "wake me up inside... call my name and save me from the dark... bid my blood to run... save me from the nothing i've become..." etc...

haha... the American Express commercial where Don Nelson buys a buncha books to learn to talk the dialogues of his Mavericks cracks me up... if you've never seen it i think the play of the day today has the commercial on it...

haha... louis isn't the only one who has a teacher using the word "jostle" to describe something...

"what, did you forget all your chemistry information during spring break? we'll have to jostle those neurons a bit..."

and does louis want jon to get the same discover credit card t-shirt that i have? i thought i saw a dialogue between him and jon last night... still it's a funny t-shirt... too bad i can't figure out the greek god depicted on it, perhaps then it'd be easier to create a wallpaper w/it...

ok, so Linkin Park still is a bit like the Hybrid Theory guys that i remember... heard a couple of the other full-length samples of their music @mp3.com and they sound good... it's just like the Hybrid Theory days where i didn't like the very 1st song they showed on the airwaves, but liked all the rest(think One Step Closer, now Somewhere I Belong)... i'm still gonna wait a few before buying their CD... price tends to go down over a couple months... maybe buy it in the summer...

i think i'm actually lighter than Wes now; i think he's now 127, i could be 124 now... haha... UCD scrapped the word "seconds" from my vocabulary... i should eat more in college, i really wanted to gain weight in college, not lose it...

here's a scenario that happened to me yesterday, see if this doesn't freak you out:
jack in the box run ok? so i come back and it's pitch dark on one portion of a block away from the UCD campus... no lights whatsoever... the pay phone next to me rings... i look closer cause there's some sticker on it... it an anti-war message, that says "THIS PHONE IS TAPPED..." now also imagine the recent screening of "Phone Booth" w/Colin Farrell w/a sniper crosshair trained upon him as he's talking... of course i started getting suspicious and looking around waiting for a sniper to just cut me down...

me: did you just push your brother off his cpu, log him off and log in? haha... i seriously saw his sn disappear, then yours popped up
alice: well
alice: we switched
me: oh
me: but it still looked funny
alice: haha
alice: yes. that's me
alice: alice the aggressor

Crash, by 12 Stones:

As I lie tossing in my bed
Lost in my fears remembering what you said
And I try to hide the truth within
The mask of myself shows its face again
Still I lie time and time again
Will you deny me when we meet again?

And I feel like I'm falling
Farther every day
But I know that you're there
Watching over me
And I feel like I'm drowning
The waves crashing over me
But I know that your love
It will set me free

As I find truth where I found it times before
As I search for your hope
I'm finding so much more
And I try to be more like you
And I deny myself to prove my heart is true

I hear your voice calling
The time has come for me
Inside this life I’m living
There’s nothing left for me
My mind is slowly fading
So far away from me
Each time I start crawling
You’re there watching me

....

just viewed my final grades for winter quarter... horrible... not what i expected...

how the heck do you find strength to get through this thing you call college, and achieve your goals?

ok, i'm out... i'm really praying that God will show me the way and help me to get above an overall GPA of 3.5 really soon...

i might as well go to sleep; CS is unplayable tonight... lag is 300+... totally unplayable...

have you ever wondered what it takes to be a top musical group? some possible criteria suggested by me:

-originality:
do they create a sound that isn't heard or easily classified by the common genres around them? for instance, Linkin Park for their debut album created a sound that isn't often heard around...
-talent:
does at least one of the band members demonstrate an incredible depth and complexity in usage of his/her instrument? i like to think of 12 Stones as one of the best rock bands i've ever heard based upon this: while their sound isn't exactly THAT original, Eric Weaver is DEFINITELY one of the better guitarists heard on the radio during this age...
-morals:
a christian could explain this one to you; enough said... basically, is your life reflecting your sounds? and are both considered to be good?
-poetry:
how bout their lyrics? does it have a very nice flow to them? does it sound profound yet poetic at the same time?

i didn't realize i was wearing such an inappropriate T-shirt to church until the other guys pointed it out to me: it's a naked Greek god in a weird position with a thought bubble above his head thinking about rollerblades... it's a discover credit card T-shirt, but it does look a bit bad for church... still, it cracked louis up, so that kinda made my day...

my dorm-room snacks are much more healtier this time around; dried mangoes, dried pineapples, and dried bananas... however they all are sooo good, especially the dried bananas! the dried bananas are like hardened bananas w/syrup... oooooh...

i dunno if i have what it takes to come out on top of this pre-med game... i really don't know... God please give me the self-control to do it...

too bad i couldn't go visit water walkers @MVHS during my spring break... seems like i had stuff going on both days... sorry steven if you're reading this... no hard feelings k?

overall impression of my spring break:
-let's be honest, i wasted it; i wanted some quiet time to myself to think up of a praise song to record and convert to an .mp3 format, but i didn't get the chance; and i can't blame it on the fact that we CTCC guys/girls spent too much time together either; there were a lotta times i spent in my bro's room, except i was playing CS instead of my guitar... but i know God's merciful, i just still wish i had more willpower and self-control, cause I ALWAYS SEEM TO LACK THOSE PARTICULAR TRAITS! WHY OH WHY! also, i'm guessing wed was wide open for me and wes to get together to songwrite, but i didn't realize that til it was too late... the good part is that i pretty much figured out the lyrics and melodies i wanna use, it's just not recorded on my cpu yet...
-got the 12 stones CD; a major plus; i love 12 Stones; sure, it's hard rock, but it's 10x more talented than about 90% of the bands you hear on the radio out there, guitar-wise... anyone who tells me 12 Stones blows doesn't have the ear to recognize talent, period... next to add to the CD selection: Sanctus Real; i'm waiting for a 3-day weekend when i'll be back, so i'll get it then...
-learned how to cook a few key dishes from my mom, which was very nice... i guess i won't be as helpless as i think sophomore year, although i do know cooking takes a long time...
-I-3's; what more to say?
-car seat fixed; 3 seater becomes a 4 seater
-CS match... perhaps i'm getting too addicted to CS; i gotta learn how to control myself... maybe i take a cpu game fast to see if i can handle it?
-bball and getting my blocks in, but learning i need to get my ball handling in, i just dunno how to start...
-also, i still woke up later than usual, which i hate myself for...

i dunno, maybe i see the negatives in myself more than the positives... i just feel like i could've really made something out of this spring break, and instead blew it...

My Spring Break, a short day-by-day account:

Day 1, Sat:
-Nothing much, really; came back, then we kinda just all went to Applebee's(after realizing that it was junior prom night and we wouldn't get into Outback in a short time)... haha... louis went to junior prom! haha... then tim lags behind because he can't figure out how to drive there...
-mom's so generous to me... found a pair of I-3s @Ross for $17... WOW! that of course sparked a whole talk w/wes, sam and jerm about what the 1st and 2nd AI shoes were...
-back @mike's house, we surprise sam with a belated bday party... uh, that ice cream cake wasn't that good... the frosting looked like paint... knowing it was just butter and sugar didn't help either... we all weighed ourselves afterward... man, i don't eat enough @UCD... i'm now down to 124... haha... i know sam's gonna bug us with that cpu mic we gave him when we play cs... it's a constant...
Day 2, Sun:
-Woke up late for church, cause i went to sleep hecka late, @3:00... everyone's pretty much back... and still everyone can't believe the size of jerm's "fro!" when lydia asks me how finals went i told her i thought i didn't do too well on chem she told me not to take it, which is just great advice :)
-didn't do too much, since there's no college sunday school for guys... just played table tennis, read news on the war in Iraq(some gratefulness those damn protestors give for their kin in Iraq), and listened to tim and jon talk about cs; i then went outside to play w/my bball, and end up dumping my food on jon when a stray bball comes toward me... haha...
-haha... all the girls wanted to ask louis how his prom went :)
-all of us typical college ppl(+the socal girls+louis+wes) go to in-n-out...
-wes gives me the 12 Stones CD... thanks a lot... i really like it...(laura again has to comment how she loves the switchfoot CD she got during her bday) finished the CD while practicing CS on my laptop :) while i admit i don't love EVERY song on the CD, i like about 70% of the songs... i keep wondering why the world doesn't open their eyes to christian music, and specifically the ones which try to do the popular music genre... some of them like 12 stones are just GOOD at what they do...
-...laura's legs are VERY pasty white... she needs a tan... like "white on rice" :) haha... actually, we all need a tan... i think my farmer's tan is coming back stronger...
-try to songwrite a bit, but i can't really think of anything... i basically ended up just testing my recording equipment and playing a few power chords and riffs to get my guitar sense back... i can't believe how long i've gone w/o playing my fender, that it was out of tune when i took it out of the case...
-stuff dinner down and rush to mountain view tap to play a clan match of CS w/louis, sam, tim, and jon(jerm couldn't help out, so i guess i just sub'd for him this time)... i'll comment later...
-back @mike's house i watch them basically do this stupid putting game, except you need to get the ball to jump into a cup, instead of hitting it in... can't believe we wasted so much time during that... then norm almost can't find his car keys... haha...
-i discover of all the things wrong w/the whole telephone has NOTHING to do w/any of the phones or their wires... it has to do w/our cpu... oh crap... i don't wanna get that fixed... i'd much rather have one of the wires or phones broken than the cpu... it's gonna cost a lot to fix or get a new one, and mom won't know how to do that, not to mention i'll be back @UCD when that happens...

CS match today:
-we played @dust2... i guess jerm couldn't help out(gluck w/finals man), so here i actually played an actual role(haha... though i thought he still would've done better, although maybe i aim better, he just hits faster)...
-first of all, we have bad lag coming into the game already, so no surprise that we lost...
-we get murdered when we're the Ts... it's cause we simply have no gameplan thought out carefully... which is strange, cause according to jon we should've been doing a lot better as Ts...
-we come a lot closer when we're the CTs... but we still lost, however it was one point away from tieing them, though we would've had to beat them senseless in order to really tie them...
-concerning me as a T, i simply couldn't help out the others... call it lag, call it not being used to a cpu keyboard over my laptop keyboard, or just call it pure lack of skill, i end up getting only maybe 2 kills... and dying maybe 10+... so much about that... my deagling sucked, heck, everything sucked...
-however, i almost did the complete opposite when we were CTs, i actually got over 50% eff, and at one time was leading our team in stats... it later drifted down to me being 2nd in CT stats, tim being 1st... i was actually getting 2 kills per round pretty frequently... one time i almost saved the day, but since i didn't make a 3rd kill, i died and lost the chance to defuse the bomb and win a round for us... that would've made an enough difference to win as CTs over the Ts... haha... here my deagle and m4a1 skills were actually paying off... so i guess i'm not a COMPLETE n00b... just a novice lacking experience... or maybe i just own novices, not good players :)
-i think when it comes down to it, i do much better playing defensively than offensively; if i have to wait for the opponent to come to me, i can usually give myself enough time to set myself down so i can get good shots off... also, i tend to do a lot better when i tail behind and give support there... when that happens i get a lot of kills, cause i end up cleaning up... when i go first in action, usually i can't do anything and get @best 1 kill per round, usually i end up dying immediately... i still need to work on getting a more accurate burst-fire from assault rifles though...
-it was fun in general... this match... mainly as a CT... pretty memorable... however much practice ahead... though i should always put my grades and worship of God way over that... and if i have time left, then MAYBE i work on my CS skills...

Day 3, Mon:
-i don't think i can go to MVHS and watch how my peeps @water walkers are... my car's in the shop and won't come out til somewhere around 2-3... by then lunch will be over...
-play bball for 1 game(man, mom took so long to get ready to go)... then spend some time watching upn and playing tug-of-war w/sam's dog...

Day 4, Tues:
-learn how to make miso soup... heh heh
-also practice Cs on my laptop again... getting my bursts to go at 1 shot/go...
-get going on my song a bit more...
-go to norm's to bowl w/joe&emily... i did terrrible...
-eat chinese dinner @milpitas... that was pretty cool... i still want a business card from phouc nga... that name cracks me up...
-also watched snippets of MJ to the MAX... that guy was very incredible...

Day 5, Wed:
-i get up late again... ugh... i hate myself... i wish i was an early riser, not a late-ass person... rips so much time outta my day...
-no bball... shucks, had i known, i would've called wes and asked him to come over to do some song-writing... instead, i waste a day @the library...
-learn how to make pork ribs for dinner... wow, takes so long... i'm never making that stuff @UCD, not to mention i'm not sure you can buy cooking wine ie saki or vodka anytime until i'm 21...

Day 6, Thurs:
-play bball... got a couple of blocked shots, which was nice, but i have no bball handling skills... got the ball stripped by jon a couple... by jon! this is why i need to up my bball handling skills, but i dunno where to start
-the bball experience would have been a lot more enjoyable if i hadn't jammed my left index or forgot to cut my fingernails...
-learn how to bake/broil fish...
-bowling, which was ok for me... surprised to see laura and lydia tag along and watch us... i sorta cocked my head every time i didn't bowl right, which reminded laura of how she acts whenever she misses a bball shot...
-went to donut wheel afterward... i love donuts, except i get em for free @UCD's cafeteria, which was why i didn't buy any...

Day 7, Fri:
-praise night, which was kinda cool, except i hated myself for showing up late, and missing the beginning
-go to Tap, and watch some CS action... haha... norm sucks... maybe even more than mike...
-play/observe Risk @Mike's house...

Day 8, Sat:
-observe more Risk @Mike's house... and Smash Bros...
-ok, i should've songwrote more during this week... i feel like i wasted a lotta golden oppurtunities to really think about the lyrics... instead, i haven't even recorded the praise song i wanted to do this weekend yet...
-maybe zip over to Bureans tomorrow and get the Sanctus Real CD before heading back?